entry#100: TL;DR

Listening to: Mystery - B2ST
Random Thought of the Day: things i dont understand...


I feel like for my 100th post, I should probably write something meaningful. The following entry is probably just going to be an insanely long essay full of stream-of-conscious blathering. I guess, in a way, it'll just be me unloading things that have been on my mind recently, because I feel like my brain has been really crowded as of late.

Life
Recently, a lot of my friends have been going through minor quarter-life crises about what they want to do with their lives. I don't know if it's because they're so worried that I've begun to reconsider, as well, or because it's a concern that I've been suppressing in the back of my own mind. When people ask me what I want to do with my life, a year ago I would have confidently answered, " I want to become a pediatrician," last month I would have remarked with just as much certainty, " I want to work at a startup, and then go back to school and get a MBA." Now, though, I'm torn again- a week ago, I was half-heartedly joking that perhaps I should switch back into Life Sciences, because I seemed to be so much better at it. Is it because I'm worried that my grades won't be good enough for any [particularly, NYU's Stern ] business schools to admit me? Are my various accomplishments indicative of my abilities to do well as an entrepreneur? I have no clue, and it scares me. I'm the type of person who only likes things that I'm good at, and my present major is, to say the least, difficult. A more accurate way to represent how I feel about computer science is that it is a love-hate relationship, filled with "why the hell did I choose this" and " oh my god kill me now" moments. But as much as I despair that CS might be something I really have no aptitude for, it is something I desperately wish to excel at. I feel that the topic suits me - I love technology and learning about how technology works, I love puzzle-solving and seeing pieces of code translate into an almost-tangible change in the programs I write.

On the other hand, I lust after the courage to stray from a well-beaten path. It's kind of funny, and insanely hypocritical, that when others ask for my opinion on whether they should search for a 'conventional' job that they may not like as opposed to following their dreams, I always tell them to follow their dreams. Perhaps that's my way of living vicariously through others - I myself do not have the perseverance necessary to pursue what I really love, so I encourage others who are more dedicated than I, to do so. It seems selfish, pushing others to take the leap of faith when I'm too scared to even look over the cliff, but I wholeheartedly believe in the ability of my friends to achieve their dreams. I, however, wasted half my life chasing pipe dreams and living among the clouds.  Maybe that's why I should probably stay away from half-assed truths and stick to the things I know will pull me through life.

I guess for now, I can only stay steadfast to the path I've chosen. In two years, I will be graduating and joining the working force; it is too late for me to waver over minor losses of faith in my ability to do well at CS. I like to think that if I study hard enough, I can accomplish anything I set my mind to... so the first course of action, I suppose, will be to study hard. My parents once told me that the curse of America is that there are too many choices. If you give a person no options, he will eventually grow to like (or at least, be accustomed to) the path picked for him. Maybe, that's what I need to believe in: a steady career that puts food on the table first, loving my job comes later.

People always express their astonishment at the number of things I'm involved in. Shoot, sometimes, I'm astonished too, and ask myself, "how the hell did I wind up in this position?" The answer is probably either, I'm not good at saying No, or I'm too ambitious for my own good. I realize what I'm getting myself into probably won't be pretty, but when faced with the prospects of having to cut certain extracurriculars out of my life, I'm at a loss. I couldn't possibly imagine how I'd live without dancing; at the same time, I want to be involved in UPE and TBP because they're the extracurriculars that will help me the most in my future career. I can't possibly stop working, because I need the money, but how many jobs do I need - two, three, four - before i'm satisfied? I feel like, at some point, the sheer volume of the things I need to do might just overwhelm me, but as of right now, I'm happy being busy. Until that time, I'm going to try my best to balance as much as I can.

Love
I have nothing to say on this matter.
Well I do, but I'm just confused for now.
and i'm kind of pissed at myself. But that's another story.

In Between
 I just read through the last 99 entries of my blog. It took an hour. My life for the past year, in one hour. I guess what I've summed it all up to be is: I used to be happy, and then I was hella-fucking-emo, and then now I'm moodswingy. I suppose its because I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Over the last 99 jumbled, rambling, 10 word to essay-long entries, I've become darker, more cynical, more lost. As much as I want to say that I don't like it, I've said that before. But  I think I'm slowly changing for the better. Or, I hope.

I hope that in the next 100 posts, i will overall become a better person, like the person in my absolute favorite post of the last 99.

Why is the editor on blogger.com when the doman is user.blogspot.com?

Listening to: My TA drone on about encryption and threat protection
Random Thought of the Day: mmmm popcorn...

I feel like lately, I don't have much to say. School is almost over, and with that comes the end of another chapter of my life. Time marches relentlessly on, endless days pass where I am awake, asleep, unconscious, and then awake again, and events are disjointed in my mind in some grotesque Gaussian blur. I've lost sense of continuance, that four comes after two and between three and five. Months seem like minutes, minutes seem like hours, days fly by like seconds, and all of a sudden I realize that a week has passed, and I'm waking up on a Sunday morning, not a Friday afternoon.

Something must be wrong with me, or is this a byproduct of every hasty college student's life? The buzzing in my brain plays like a deaf man's orchestra, muting all lucid thoughts from traipsing through my conscious. I'm sapped of my creativity. I stare blankly at the ghost of an article, almost as blankly as I stare at math, and despair that inspiration fails to visit me yet again. The pen, held so resolutely in an uplifted hand, is replaced reluctantly, and the click clicking of the mouse resumes. If I distract myself, perhaps a lurking shred of insight will float into my brain?

It's too late/early; I'm not thinking straight.

summer plans
warped tour + road trip with TJ
anime expo with Steven
FILM FESTS with lots of different people - no procrastination, i WILL finally watch star wars [among craploads of other movies]
san diego for kait's partayyy?
learn more japanese / learn some korean!

excited to finally have some [ish] free time!

:]

Listening to: Random music being played at kerckhoff
Random Thought of the Day: just ordered a red-eye for the first time at Kerckhoff. omnomnom caffeine!

I keep thinking that it's been ages since I last posted, but in reality it's only been 10 days... Its been a crazy hectic week, what with practice, projects, and all sorts of requirements for upcoming inductions. In fact, in about 20 minutes, I'll be heading off to Royce to complete the "Attend one professional event" requirement for Tau Beta Pi. But despite being so mind-bogglingly busy, I think I enjoy the look of an agenda page packed with scrawls of to-dos and events. It gives me a sense of purpose. Although it's probably not the best way to find a 'calling,' so far I've felt like my year was pretty fulfilling, as far as extracurriculars go. Academics, not so much... but I'll not get into that.

Last night, I played speed uno with a bunch of my friends. It was pretty spontaneous, since I was supposed to be working on a CS project, but since I've never really hung out socially with this group of friends before, I went along just for the ride. Even though everyone was kind of coupled off and I was the seventh wheel (lollll) it was still uber fun! I'm once again feeling that sense of belonging and satisfaction that I haven't felt since... well... a while... at least, in such a large group. Having been a floater most of my life, not ever 'belonging' in a group has been a stigma for me as long as I can remember. But I think I've found a niche that I really feel comfortable in, with people I really identify with (maybe it's cuz 4 of us are CS majors LOL...) and enjoy being around.

With that said, I'm looking forward to the coming months. Finals is gonna be a bitch, as always, but I'm gonna prep early, and prep well, so I'll be prepared. I'll take a leaf out of Jessica's book and front load my work, so hopefully I wont have to end up pulling multiple all nighters again D: And then... it'll be FREEDOMM! I can't freaking WAIT. My warped tour ticket is pinned to my bulletin board, and I've got an egg of a helluva vacation plan, just waiting to hatch. I'M SO PUMPED!

Here's to good friends, good fun, and HELLA ANTICIPATION FOR SUMMERRRRRRR!!

Listening to: Nevershoutnever  [in preparation for warped tour!]
Random Thought of the Day: lately i've been having the same recurring dream: wading through sewers, escaping from some sort of monster, and swimming through a underground tunnel towards the faint beams of light. I don't remember ever breaking the surface, though.

it's getting harder to breathe now
there are too many idle moments
idle dangerous moments
it's so tempting to think how easy
how simple it would be just
never again to wake
never smell the light of day
i smile, i cringe
on the inside, i'm haunted by little things
choices choices choices
to be or not to be
is that the question? or
is that escape?