Contemplation

Listening to: Wedding Dress - Tae Yang
Random Thought of the Day: I haven't blogged in awhile. I feel like I'm neglecting my blog :[ sorrie bloggg...

I have been thinking a lot about random things the last week.
I suppose I am unloading more than anything, because these things
are things that people wouldn't want to listen to
these are boring things that mean the world to me:

Beautiful things pain me because I wish I could, but know I never will be able to produce something nearly as wonderful
Perfection scares me because things are never as they seem
I have this unquenched yearning to be a complete control freak
at least... on the things that matter
I carry a little black book because it makes me feel like I am making progress
but all I do is scribble in its margins and draw meaningless pictures
so really it is more unproductive than it is productive.

you make me happy
but you also make me mad
you make me blabber like a child
i'm still wondering if we've changed at all

love is horrible
it really does drive you mad
and make you into a quivering, helpless mess when the thing you need most is control
discipline
i wish i had more of it, so i can stop myself from craving your voice
your touch and your warmth
four days and i miss it already, as if you've been gone a year
but in a month you will be gone for a year
maybe that's why i'm already lost

or maybe it is because i'm scared
these four days without you
i'm wilting, yet you seem completely unfazed, freer, even
like you don't need me like i need you
is that the truth, then? people don't change
maybe i should just let myself down easy and
chalk it up to mood swings. yes, that's it. I have
temper issues and hormonal imbalances and am way too clingy for my own good
tell me i'm being unnecessary, normal people don't act like this
tell me you haven't forgotten me and i'll give you the world
no, half the world to make up your mind.
i'm not the only one going crazy, am i?

the things i write are full of cliches
but thats what makes cliches cliche, because they are familiar to everyone
the same old sob story
what have i to complain about?
i have food, a family, a home, friends, toys, clothes
i have everything that 90% of the world would die to have
but here i am worrying about a few silly numbers
because 0.2 can make me or break me

but i've already broken, havent I?
I've lost to the relentless pressures of academia, i've converted to your dogmas
give me 10 weeks and I shall pay homage to your twisted shrines
and burn friendships and memberships to keep you appeased
or you can take me down with you to your 7th level hell
and i'll rot for all eternity
because thats where 0.2 leaves me
broken.

screaming
thats all i hear now, screaming
the only one who understands me is too small to matter
and i pity her because she must endure longer than I
I who escape to the relative safety of a far away place
but she, who has nowhere to run
even as I scream back I bleed for her
i might pout at her shiny toys but at least
i had it good
there was no screaming when i was her
i wonder if she is like me at all
whether she curls up at night like i used to do and
thinks about darkness and the welcoming cold
i would wish that on no one
but i wouldn't be surprised

in a way i feel like i tell it all
because i can hide in transparency
let me be a chameleon... you think you know me
but i disappear, and just when you've found
my prickly shadow, I become something else.

or maybe i've realized that
though i don't mind confessing what's on my mind
99% of the time no one is listening
and i am speaking once again
to empty pixels.